Holiday Heartbreak and Mending

It's the most wonderful time of the year, when love is everywhere, but all I have is pain."

It's a sentence that feels like something whispered into a December night sky, hoping someone (anyone) is listening. We're listening.

The holiday season arrives wrapped in twinkling lights, Christmas carols, and a thousand and six reminders that this is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. But for many, December doesn't sparkle--it stings. For every joyful reunion, someone else is quietly grieving the loss of a family member. For every holiday romance, someone else is nursing a fresh break-up with a Keisha Cole song on repeat. And for every festive gathering, there's someone realizing a friendship they depended on no longer feels like home.

Loss in all its forms takes on a different weight when the world insists we should be merry. Even the music, meant to comfort, can wound.

What Do the Lonely Do at Christmas?"

A 1970's holiday staple, performed by The Emotions, still echoes from generation to generation. Their question isn't wrapped in metaphor--it's buck naked, trembling, and real: the line doesn't seek an answer as much as it conveys the truth; sometimes the holidays hurt, and that's okay, but it doesn't have to.

Losing a family member during the holidays or stumbling into the first holiday without them unleashes grief unlike any other. The silence around the dinner table feels like a whisper of secrets over a loud microphone, just as the music stops, leaving you exposed and vulnerable. Your family traditions feel different, almost without purpose. What used to bring you Anita Baker's "Joy," now carries a shadow, even in the brightest light. Family brings history. When someone from that history is gone, the holidays can feel like an unfinished sentence.

Here's a real question from the Book of Brandy (Norwood): "Have You Ever?"

This one slices straight through the facade of holiday cheer right down to the brown liquor and white meat (IYKYK). When she asks

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?"

She exposes the deep ache of love that either can't or won't love you back. The holidays often become a magnifier--zooming in not on what we have, but on what we've lost. But a chair is still a chair (you know the rest.)

Let's acknowledge the proverbial elephant under the mistletoe. Romantic love during the holidays is commercialized into perfection: matching pajamas, holiday cards, mistletoe moments, and dare I say,

All I want for Christmas is you."

But break-ups don't consult the calendar--they just crash through the door like Bruh-Man from the fifth flo'. (And yes, I'm holding up four fingers.)

Brandy's lyrics bite deeper here:

Have you ever been in love so bad...you'd do anything to make them understand?"

That kind of yearning becomes especially sharp when the season reminds you of what you thought you'd have--what you planned, pictured, prayed for. Memories made in joy return as ghosts, past, present, and future. Holiday traditions become little landmines. And if we're not careful, we ambush all the others who choose to love us as we love them. And suddenly you're sitting on the couch like Martin yelling,

GET TA STEPPIN'!

But really, it's your heart that's doing the stepping, wobbling out the door while wearing mismatched slippers. Stay right there!

Friendship break-ups can hit even harder than romantic ones. Losing someone who once felt like family is jarring, especially during the holidays when you're surrounded by group text threads. The one with the uncles and aunties and the secret cousin's group iMessages, that exclude your cousin who insists their Android doesn't upset the harmonious texting experience. All of this focused on gathering, reconnecting, and cherishing your history, and that BFF is nowhere to be found.

Sometimes the people you want at your table aren't the ones who still want a seat. And sometimes that's for the best. As Miss Loretta from Martin said,

You ain't got to go home, but you got to get the heck up out of here!"

Love them, yes.

Boundaries? Also, yes.

We don't have to drown in the season's pressure to perform "happiness." The sting of love lost is real, but it doesn't have to be permanent or paralyzing. So, I'm not a therapist nor did I spend last night at a Holiday Inn, but here are five ways to navigate grief and break-ups positively, without losing your joy or wasting a perfectly good effnog.

1. Accept the Emotion--Don't Fight It

It's okay to not be okay. Grief doesn't run on a holiday schedule. Denying pain only deepens it. As Uncle Phil once told Will on The Fresh Prince,

You have to deal with your feelings, or they'll deal with you."

Sit with them, acknowledge them, then release what no longer serves your peace.

2. Create One New Tradition that Honors the Old, but Moves You Forward

Light a candle. Cook your favorite dish (or theirs). Who doesn't love a bangin' macaroni and cheese? Yes, with the egg. Write a letter to someone you miss. Or, if it's a break-up, treat yourself to something you've always wanted to do but never had time because you were busy making time for he/she who shall not be named.

Remember the Maverick, Maxine Shaw from Living Single said,

I'm taking control of my life--one snack at a time!"

Start small, but start something that belongs to you.

3. Phone a Friend (The Real Ones)

Don't isolate yourself.

Healthy friendships help buffer emotional upheaval. Reach out, even if it's just to say,

Hey, I need five minutes of your voice."

And if your friend sounds shocked, just be honest, honor the feelings you are experiencing at the moment. Remember, you're not alone in this season. Somebody loves you, baby (*insert Patti Labelle's voice*). This will be the best day of your life because you decided so.

4. Limit the Emotional Triggers but Don't Avoid Life

Because even the strong need a moment to reset. If the loss of a beloved family member, the end of a promising relationship, or the end of a friendship is too fresh, it's okay to skip the Christmas playlist if the first note sends you spiraling. Maybe the sound of

Mama, you know I love you," is too much to bear.

It's okay to leave the party early. It's okay to mute the holiday engagement announcements. But don't disappear from the world. Healing happens in motion--get ta steppin'.

5. Practice Radical Self-Care

Romantic losses and grief often make us self-critical. But this season, talk to yourself like you'd talk to someone you love.

Don't hate congratulate...yoself!"

The truth is, hurt, loss, and loneliness during the holidays aren't new emotions, but they are what make us human. Loss, whether family, friendship, or romantic, doesn't take away your worth or your capacity for joy, for love. The holidays may amplify heartache, but they also amplify hope, memory, and resilience. The Emotions asked the question decades ago. Brandy echoed that same pain in the 90's. And here we have Cocoa Jones to help us answer it,

Forever just don't hit like before."

So what do the lonely do at Christmas?

They endure.

They remember.

They laugh.

They love again, and sometimes, they watch an old sitcom and let a good ol' jokey-joke carry them through the night. Your heart won't always feel like this.