To: My Hitta Rob
From: Keyona Porshaa`
Mood: Optimistic
Place: My papasan + inside my PJS from my Aunt Pam
Song: Methylone - Bas | Too High To Riot
Color: Burgundy
Subject: Inhale, Exhale, Propel------
It took me a second to realize that I had just exhaled harder than normal similar to the method I've been concentrating on during my workouts and weight lifting. And then it dawned on me: breathing is the controlling device.
When I think I've hit a wall my muscles can't climb over, I inhale quickly and exhale hard. Without even thinking my body powers through my next range of motion much easier than before.
Inhale, Exhale, Propel. "
This past weekend was a complete roller coaster ride--I'm certain there were several times I forgot to breathe altogether. First of all, I had a special visitor finally show her face. So much for trying to get my life on some type of schedule, Little Miss Priss (that's what I'm calling her--my menstrual moving forward) decided to blow me off our stand-in monthly date on the 19th and had the audacity to saunter in Saturday the 31st. I know, the nerve.
Soon as everything came full circle about the inexplicable, I wanted to be comforted by something, anything, nothing really to calm my nerves--this is exactly how my thoughts started chasing each other around. My quest to find it was equally tragic.
All in the same night, I wound up being misunderstood and irritable at a comment about 'addiction.' I had a meaningless encounter, it was a complete snooze fest. And then I wound up being a socially awkward ticking time bomb in the middle of a random birthday party. I'm gonna spare the details for the moment, I don't feel like reliving that weird series of events right this minute but stick around and I'll spill everything soon!
Anyways, by the time I got home I was completely drained considering all those emotions, whatever was happening on the inside of my uterus and just all of me lately. I got home late but I'd told my dad I'd be ready to roll in the morning to meet some of our family in Charlotte.
Of course I woke up late but I was on a mission when my feet hit the floor and I ran out of here rushing so that the drive wouldn't feel so drawn out and brutal. I believed the lie I told myself about not staying overnight and that I'd just drive back---that became a hard hell nah after getting in town around 4 PM. Why in the hell wouldn't I just pack a bag in case?! Ugh.
The car ride convo with my dad was enlightening, my family and the change of scenery were complete breaths of fresh air. So fresh, I wasn't worried about where I was sleeping or trying to grab a room until it was too late. My uncle says when I walk back in from outside, "where you want to sleep Key, the blow up or the couch?" Before I could even think through my response I screwed my face up and said neither, and I meant it. I was on a mission to scoop my dad and go get us in a hotel room. I look at my dad like, I know you not trying to sleep on the couch after being squished in my car with knees like yours---he was playing coy about accepting my Uncle's hospitality. I just could not, considering. Then my Aunt rings me up saying she has an extra bed in the room, "look at God," I thought.
I double check with my dad to make sure he's solid on the decision that he's made with staying here with my Uncle and he reassures me, so I head out. The address I put in can't be where I'm headed after twenty minutes of driving directly into the woods and winding neighborhood roads so I recalibrate and then it seems I'm headed back towards the city and minutes closer to a shower and comfy bed. I closed my eyes and finally---
Inhale, Exhale, Propel. "
Waken up by my Uncle's disgruntling about last night festivities we start the day off with lunch and shopping--complete perfection. You guys should know my frugal and minimalist lifestyle by now, so I treated myself to more workout gear. And yes, it's green. Including Dippin' Dots + getting to see my love Raven Symone, her mom my birthday twin, and baby brother handsome Tyler.
It was worth every minute, even the time my Aunt and I spent tailing my dad and Uncle's through uptown sightseeing. We burst out into laughter after realizing we played this series completely wrong, "why didn't we just stay at the house and relax? We're just playing follow the leader," my aunt says smiling.
I held my breath again as our time was coming to an end, when my SID hit my phone about yet another career opportunity. I was asked how interested I'd be to step into a sports media role at another university and I was stunned, I was driving, I was in my phone, I was singing with my aunt to SWV Pandora radio but I was stunned. I remember being wrapped up in revolving questions months ago and now that I've transitioned into a cooler, calmer position it feels like life was coming back around to me. Life and lemons. However, being prepared to make lemonade is a helluva game changer.
My dad and I begin to head back home and we're recapping the great time we've had with the fam and I ask that he pray with me to calm my nerves about what's going on with the opportunity I was looking forward to and look at God, I'm back home and headed to my complex gym and I get the email. The official email of roles and responsibilities, official application process and all'at and I leave the gym immediately after I finish scrolling through their role expectations realizing my SID doesn't have the updated resume I sent him a few days ago. I'm not exactly sure how everything will pan out however, I'm proud of myself for being prepared--all I had to do was copy some info over from my CV and boom, submitted. I'm proud to have defeated imposter syndrome and have sent my documentation with confidence. I'm faithful that whatever position I land will be exactly where God wants me. I was once a procrastinating mess, but I'd sent my SID documents a week prior to them even having everything outlined, like who am I? I have grown into the business woman that has an application sent in the same business day as the posting, I'm her. I send it and then I send a notification to my SID to follow up on my behalf and I-----
Inhale, Exhale, Propel. "
I finish just in time to double back to the gym to get a 15 minute weightlifting session in and I do just that, before they close. I lock in, grab some weights, and breathe in and out.
I get back home feeling so light and relieved that after realizing its Wednesday, I respond to Rob asking if she'd like to have Bible study? My hitta was like, "yeaaaaaa." My friend and I got on FaceTime around 9 PM to do Bible study, our way! We both had bathed and relaxed and decided that together we would seek God's face through his word, whew. We kept saying every couple of minutes, "bih we doing a good job." And I believe we got exactly what God had for us.
Finally, life is complex and can be overwhelming at moments when even something as simple as breathing seems difficult but if you could get to that basic fundamental of breathing in, exhaling out, your mind, body, and spirit can do the rest and propel your body through whatever challenges or trials almost autonomously.
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